


hurt people hurt people.

by pyroallerdyce



Series: i have an obsession with fire and ice (aka all my john/bobby fics) [48]
Category: X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Break Up, Cheating, Established Relationship, Getting Back Together, Inspired by Music, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Reunions, Rumors, Secret Relationship, Short One Shot, Songwriting, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-25 16:24:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21359176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyroallerdyce/pseuds/pyroallerdyce
Summary: Hurt people, they hurt peopleIs it ever gonna stop?Hurt people, they hurt peopleSo give me everything you've gotor:  John's the lead singer of one of the most popular bands in the world, and he's made out to be a womanizing asshole by the women who keep running to the media about him and their nights together.  But John's never had sex with any of them because he's actually in a secret relationship with Bobby that had started in college and lasted through the band becoming famous.  Bobby can't handle the rumors though, and he decides that John needs to be as hurt as he is.
Relationships: John Allerdyce/Bobby Drake
Series: i have an obsession with fire and ice (aka all my john/bobby fics) [48]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1202506
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	hurt people hurt people.

**Author's Note:**

> Um, this was born from listening to Sam Smith's song How Do You Sleep? entirely too many times on repeat. I just felt like there was a story there within those lyrics and this is what I came up with.
> 
> The title and lyrics in the description are from The Script's song Hurt People Hurt People.

John Allerdyce didn't set out in life to be an internationally known rock star. He'd joined The Brotherhood just for something to do to work off some of his excess energy while he was a student at St. John's, but he'd never expected the band to go anywhere. It was supposed to be a bunch of silly fun until he was done with college and then he'd move on to a job in the field of his choosing. It was when he started to let the band hear some of the songs that he'd written that things began to change. They started performing the songs whenever they played a gig, and before John knew it, they had a following and a manager who was certain they'd be famous. John thought Charles was delusional, but he hadn't been. The day they signed the record deal was the biggest day of the band's life, but it wasn't the biggest day of John's.

The biggest day of John's life had happened about two months into his freshman year when he'd met Bobby Drake. Bobby was the most gorgeous man that he'd ever seen and they'd slowly gotten to know one another. Bobby was still in the closet and absolutely terrified of anyone knowing that their friendship had gone to another level, so John agreed to keep their relationship a secret. That relationship stayed a secret when he joined the band until Jubilee figured out that John was in a serious one with someone, and then she figured out that it was with the guy that came to their gigs on a fairly regular basis, so John had no choice but to tell her about Bobby. Bobby was wary of Jubilee knowing but she promised that she'd never say a word to anyone about it until they were ready for it to be known, and she held to that promise.

When the band signed the record deal, Bobby was still in the closet, so their relationship stayed a secret. The band had a meteoric rise to the top, their first single being an absolute smash hit, and it wasn't long until John was off on long tours across the country while Bobby was back in New York City trying to finish school. When graduation came, Bobby sat down with his parents and told them that he was gay and in a serious relationship with a man named John, but he didn't tell them that John was John Allerdyce of The Brotherhood. He wasn't ready for that yet. John was so happy that Bobby had finally told them, so happy that they weren't going to have to hide anymore, but Bobby wasn't ready for the deluge of attention and scrutiny that would accompany John admitting to the world that he was gay and in a relationship with him, so John agreed to keep things a secret still. Jubilee couldn't believe that John was willing to put up with all this secrecy, but John was in love with Bobby and was going to do whatever he needed to do to keep Bobby around. He didn't want to live without him.

And then the articles started.

This woman said she had sex with John in this city, that woman said she had sex with John in that city. John quickly got the reputation of being an asshole who used women for a night and then left them, and it drove him crazy because it was all a bunch of bullshit. Bobby would ask him for the truth after every article came out, and John would tell him honestly that it was bullshit. The articles couldn't be further from the truth. But after a certain point, Bobby just couldn't believe him anymore. There were just entirely too many articles. But every time he thought about confronting John about it, John would come home from a tour or a recording session in London or a television appearance in Los Angeles and everything would just be right in the world. He needed more than John could put into words.

And then came the European tour.

Six months apart because Bobby couldn't just take off work for a trip to Europe and John couldn't be seen with him anyway. They spoke on the phone every day, Bobby spent more time at work texting with John than he did actually working, and they were going to make it through the separation. They really were.

And then came the articles from Europe.

By the time that the tour was over, Bobby felt more pain and anger than he'd ever felt before. He'd been at home, loyal as fuck to the man that he loved, and John was over there fucking half the women in Europe. But still, he was so happy that John was coming home that day, so happy that they were going to be all over each other the moment he got back to the apartment they shared, so ready to have the reunion sex that he'd been craving.

And then John got home and wanted to do nothing but sleep.

Bobby's pain and anger grew as he watched John collapse onto their bed and almost immediately fall asleep. He wanted to wake him up and have the fight that he could feel inevitably coming, but instead, he grabbed his keys and left. If John was going to make him feel this much pain, then he was going to make John feel the same thing. He went to the nearest gay club, found a man named Doug, and then went back to his place and let Doug fuck him. He thought it would make him feel better but it didn't, so he decided to do it again. Doug was more than willing to be Bobby's thing on the side and they started meeting up at Doug's place regularly. 

The Brotherhood was on a lengthy break before they had to start recording their next album, and John thought that they would be spending every second they could together. But Bobby told John that he was working on a massive project at work that required long hours and John accepted that to be the case. The more Bobby let Doug fuck him, the happier he became because John was finally going to know what it was that Bobby had been feeling for years. John was finally going to know this pain.

And then John started to notice little things.

The cologne that lingered on Bobby when he got home at night that was definitely not the one that he always wore. The condom that he found in the back pocket of Bobby's jeans while he was doing their laundry that he was sure had not been meant to be used with him. The receipt for drinks at a bar that he found on the table that had clearly not been with him. With every piece of evidence, John felt the pain within him build, but he absolutely refused to believe that it was true. 

Bobby couldn't be doing that to him.

The Brotherhood's break was half over by the Saturday when John decided he needed his suspicions to be confirmed to be true or false. But instead of confronting Bobby with the allegations, he grabbed Bobby's phone off the kitchen counter while Bobby was in the shower, guessing that his passcode was the same as it always had been and getting into it. He pulled up the recent calls list and found a bunch both placed and received to a man that was saved as a contact just as Doug, and John forced himself to take a deep breath because he was unaware that Bobby knew anyone named Doug. He turned his attention to the text messages next, found the exchange between the two of them, and read until his eyes filled with tears.

John had wanted evidence that he was crazy for thinking that Bobby was having an affair. Instead, he found evidence that it was true.

When Bobby got out of the shower, John had left the apartment. He was confused because he thought they were supposed to be spending the day together, but he just assumed that John had run out to get something and would be back soon. 

And then three days went by and John never came back. 

Bobby had been calling his phone repeatedly for those three days with no response. If it wasn't for the fact that the media hadn't been reporting about the sudden death of The Brotherhood's lead singer John Allerdyce, he would have been more alarmed then he was. But when the third night happened with no response, Bobby picked up the phone and called Jubilee instead.

Jubilee answered the phone, and before Bobby could say a thing, she spoke. “You're a motherfucking bastard.”

Bobby went to say something but he heard the click that meant the call had ended, and he became more confused than anything. What had he done to make Jubilee say that?

John came home about an hour later, and Bobby stood up immediately, concern in his eyes. “Where have you been? I've been calling like crazy.”

John swallowed hard. “I'm surprised you even noticed I was gone.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“I just assumed that you'd be spending all that time with Doug,” John said, his voice calmer than he'd expected it to be. “I mean, you've been spending all those nights you said you were working with him, so why not spend the nights that I wasn't home with him too.”

Bobby felt his breath catch in his throat. “I have no idea what you're talking about.”

“Don't fucking lie to me, Bobby. The least you can do right now is just be fucking honest with me. You've done enough lying.”

Bobby closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “How did you find out?”

“I'd had suspicions for a while,” John said, his voice still calm. “And then I looked through your phone and had it confirmed.”

Bobby opened his eyes. “You snooped through my phone? You lousy son of a bitch.”

John let out a hollow laugh. “That's what you have to say to me? You cannot fucking blame me for that. I had to know. And if you were that determined to hide this then you should have changed your passcode so I couldn't get in there.”

“Johnny,” Bobby started, but John just shook his head.

“I don't know what has driven you to do this, but I'm done, Bobby. I just came home to get some of my stuff. I'll move my shit out once I get an apartment, but that shouldn't take more than a couple of days, I think. I'm John fucking Allerdyce. There are not many buildings that would deny my application to live there.”

Bobby laughed. “Yeah, you're John fucking Allerdyce and that's the fucking problem. You've been using your dick in every motherfucking city you go to, fucking this woman and that woman. You tried to deny it to me but I saw straight through that bullshit. You're the one that drove me to this, Johnny. You're the one who fucking cheated on me, not the other way around.”

John felt the pain within him rise to an even higher level. “I didn't fuck any of those women,” he said softly. “And if you trusted me the way that I trusted you then you would have known that to be the truth. But I can't trust you anymore, and therefore I cannot stay, no matter how much this is going to break me completely.”

“You are such a lying motherfucker,” Bobby spit back at him. “All of this is your fault, Johnny. All of it.”

John decided he'd had enough of that conversation, walking into the bedroom and getting his suitcases out of the closet. Bobby stood there and watched as John filled them up with as much stuff as he could fit in them, shaking his head when John started for the door. “You're a fucking asshole, Johnny.”

John set his suitcases down, turned back to Bobby, and shook his head. “I love you more than anything, you know. I would have done anything for you.”

Bobby laughed. “Now who is the lying motherfucker?”

John closed his eyes, took a couple of deep breaths, and left the apartment. He made it to his car before he let the tears start to fall, but he pulled himself together quick enough and started to drive to Jubilee's. He didn't know how he was ever going to be put back together after this. 

Bobby had been it and John didn't know what to do now that he wasn't.

Bobby spent the next few days waiting for John to come home so they could resolve things, but John never came back. Four days after the fight, Bobby came home from work to find all of John's stuff gone and his key to the apartment sitting on the kitchen counter. He collapsed down to the floor when he realized that John had been serious, that things were really over, and he had lost the best thing that had ever happened to him. He couldn't let that happen. He couldn't.

He pulled out his phone and called John, but his call went unanswered. After five attempts that were unsuccessful, he decided to call Jubilee instead. 

“You're a motherfucking bastard for doing this to him,” Jubilee said instead of a hello.

“John's the motherfucking bastard for doing this to me,” Bobby countered back.

“I cannot believe that you actually think all that bullshit is true,” Jubilee said strongly. “Because not a single bit of it is.”

“Of course it is. If it had been one or two articles, maybe. But there's been over a hundred women that have said John's fucked them, Jubes. I can't overlook that anymore.”

“The only reason that John has never made it known that he was in a very serious, very committed relationship was that you were making him hide it,” Jubilee said angrily. “You've been making him hide since the moment that you met when he has never wanted to hide anything. John had been waiting so patiently for the day when he could let the world know that he was the lucky guy who had you and instead of giving him the chance to do that, you have hurt him more than I could ever put into words.”

“John brought this on himself,” Bobby started, but Jubilee cut him off before he could continue.

“Fucking deal with the fact that I'm telling you the truth,” Jubilee practically yelled. “John has never slept with any of these women because he's not interested in women. John is in love with you, Bobby. He wanted no one but you, but you apparently wanted someone else. I cannot even begin to imagine how much this has broken him and I'm not sure he'll ever be able to be repaired. You are a motherfucking bastard for doing this to him.”

Bobby went to speak again but Jubilee had hung up the phone, and he tossed his phone down to the floor and ran his hands over his face. He sat there for a while as the truth sank into his brain, and he finally realized that he was the one who had ruined everything between them, not John. 

He'd caused John the pain he'd been wanting this thing with Doug to, but he'd never wanted to do this. He'd never wanted to break John's heart. But he knew that was what he'd done, and he was never going to forgive himself for it.

Six months later, The Brotherhood's new single came out, and the moment that Bobby heard it, he knew it was about him. The pain and loss that John was singing about cut Bobby to the depths of his soul, and he picked up his phone and called John, hoping that he could at least explain why he'd done what he'd done. He knew that there was no way he would be forgiven, knew that he didn't deserve forgiveness anyway, but he wanted to at least explain.

John answered the phone, which surprised Bobby, but his words really didn't. “I don't want to talk to you.” 

Bobby tried calling back three times after John hung up but the calls went unanswered. He left messages every time, but he had a feeling that they wouldn't even be listened to. He'd fucked this up so badly. He really had.

He put the song on repeat and let himself cry over losing the best thing that had ever happened to him.

Three months later, The Brotherhood released another song, and the moment Bobby heard it, he knew it was about him again. Starting to wonder how many songs John had probably written about their breakup, he decided to try calling John again. He drank half a bottle of whiskey before he did it because he needed the liquid courage, then scrolled through his contacts and called.

John answered the phone, which surprised Bobby again, but said the same thing he'd said three months earlier. “I don't want to talk to you.”

After John hung up, Bobby called Jubilee to see if she could convince John to listen to him, but Jubilee's words didn't surprise him either. “You're a motherfucking bastard for doing this to him.” 

When Jubilee hung up, Bobby tried to call John again, but this time the call was unanswered. A second call to Jubilee went unanswered as well, and Bobby tossed the phone onto the bed and ran his hands over his face, tears forming behind his eyes. He'd fucked this up even worse than he thought he had before. He really had.

He put the song onto a playlist with the first song, put the playlist on repeat, and let himself cry over losing the best thing he'd ever had.

A couple of months later, as John was about to perform yet another new song on an appearance on The Tonight Show, he made a decision right after the host had thrown to them for the performance. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes briefly, and then spoke. “This is for the one who this song is about. You know who you are. Thanks for the inspiration.”

And then he began to sing. The song was the rawest and most vulnerable that he'd ever felt whilst writing and performing, and he knew that when Bobby heard it he was going to call again. By the time that the song was over, John had almost convinced himself to let Bobby say what he wanted to say.

But then Bobby didn't call.

Meanwhile, John's dedication had caused a media frenzy. John Allerdyce had been in a relationship? With who? He'd never given any indication that he'd been in a relationship before. Were all these women lying? Had that cost him the person who he'd sung about? There were so many questions out there that it was making John's head spin and wish that he'd never said anything. Charles was yelling at him too, wanting to know why John had never said anything about this relationship. They could have been using it to deflect attention away from these women that were coming out of the woodwork. 

John just told him that hiding it wasn't his choice to make and it didn't matter anymore. The relationship was over.

When it had been a month and Bobby still hadn't called, John thought that he'd finally gotten the message. But he couldn't help but be heartbroken all over again at the fact that Bobby had given up on him. There was still that part of him that loved him more than anything and that part had finally been shattered into more pieces than John even knew. He'd never be able to be put back together and he knew it. That night he drank a bottle of their favorite whiskey and cried himself to sleep over losing the best thing that was ever going to happen to him.

When The Brotherhood's new album finally came out a month later, Bobby bought a copy the moment midnight hit and it was available. He glanced through the writing credits of all the songs in the CD's booklet as he made his way home, and he noticed that every single song on the album was a song that John had written. Once he was home, he put the CD on, cried his way through listening to it, and then listened to it on repeat for the next four days. He had every word memorized by then and he had heard everything that John was trying to tell him through the lyrics of those songs. 

It was an album of love, longing, heartbreak, and loss, and Bobby realized he'd hurt John more than he'd ever thought he had.

He knew more than ever that John deserved an explanation for why he'd done what he'd done. He knew that he'd never be forgiven, knew that he didn't deserve that forgiveness anyway, and he knew that John would probably hang up on him again. So he decided to call Jubilee instead.

“You're a motherfucking bastard,” Jubilee said immediately, but Bobby started talking before she could hang up.

“I know I am, I know. I just want the chance to explain to him why I did what I did. After listening to that album, I feel like he at least deserves to know that. I'm not asking for forgiveness, I'm not going to beg him to take me back. I just want to explain.”

Jubilee sighed heavily. “I don't know why you think that he's going to want to listen to that.”

“I just want the chance to explain,” Bobby said again. “That's all I want. Will you please tell him that?”

Jubilee was quiet for a moment and then sighed again. “I will tell him that, but you should probably have realized by now that you were never going to get that chance.”

Jubilee hung up before Bobby could say anything else. He didn't know when Jubilee would tell John that he wanted to explain things, so he waited three days before he tried calling John. 

John answered, which didn't surprise him, but his words did. “What do you want, Bobby?”

“I just want to explain,” Bobby said. “I think you deserve to know.”

John stayed silent so Bobby just started talking. “The constant articles from those women killed me, Johnny. They hurt me more than I can even put into words, and then your constant denials just made it worse because I was so convinced that you were lying to me. But the six months you spent in Europe was just a breaking point. You were gone for so long and there was a new article every other day about a woman in this country and that one, and I convinced myself that you were over there fucking half the women in Europe. When you came home from that tour and just wanted to sleep instead of having reunion sex like we always did, I was in even more pain than before and angrier than ever. All I could think about was how I wanted you to feel the same pain that I was in.

“I went out that night and met Doug, and I went back to his place and let him fuck me. I thought it would make me feel better but it didn't, so I decided to do it again. You did it multiple times so why shouldn't I? I told Doug I was in a serious relationship and he said he was happy to be my thing on the side, and so that's what he became. Yes, I lied to you about working. Yes, I lied to you about it for months. But you'd hurt me so badly that I just wanted you to hurt just as much. I thought that once I told you about it we'd have a huge fight but then resolve things and move on. I'd stop fucking Doug and you'd stop fucking the women and we would have the relationship that we'd always wanted to have.

“Once we'd resolved things from that inevitable fight, I was going to tell you that I was ready. I wasn't going to make you hide anymore. I'd want the revelation of our relationship to go slowly, but I knew that the media attention was probably going to force it to go faster than I wanted it to. But I hated that I was making you hide who you really were, Johnny. I hated that so, so much and I hated myself for making you do it. I was just terrified of what it all meant, and I got so used to us hiding before I'd told my parents, and I just...I didn't want you to hide anymore.

“I never thought for a second that I was doing something that would make you end things completely. And I know now more than ever that I should have talked to you instead of making a bunch of ridiculously motherfucking awful mistakes. I know I caused you more pain than I ever felt myself. I will forever hate myself for ruining the best thing that has ever happened to me, that will ever happen to me. But I also know that you'll never forgive me. I know that I don't deserve that forgiveness. 

“I'm always going to love you, Johnny. I know that you have been questioning if I ever really did. I heard that through your lyrics. But I promise you that I did. I do. More than anything in the world. But I know that there is no way you could feel the same way about me anymore, and I will have to deal with the fact that I lost you every single second of every single day until the day I die. And even then, up there in the stars, I'll still hate that you're not by my side. I'm sorry, Johnny. I can't even put into words how sorry I am. I just wanted you to know the truth. That's all.”

Bobby hung up the phone before John could say a word, buried his face in his pillow, and cried himself to sleep.

But over the next two weeks, John couldn't get Bobby's words off his mind. He knew he was walking around in a daze because of it, knew that he'd been so out of it in the Rolling Stone interview that they gave that Charles was going to probably kill him for the rumors that were sure to come out about John being high during it, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Bobby's words were haunting him.

After the interview, Jubilee went over to John's and he knew that she had figured out that he'd talked to Bobby. So he let her in and listened to her go on about all the reasons talking to the motherfucking bastard had been a terrible idea until he got her to shut up so he could tell her what Bobby had said. After hearing it, Jubilee just sighed heavily.

“I know how rumors can make someone reach their breaking point,” she said, collapsing onto John's sofa. “That's what happened with my motherfucking bastard. All the rumors that swirled about me were too much for him and that was the end. He didn't do to me what Bobby did to you though.”

“I know,” John said, sitting down next to her and leaning into her side. “But I just...it almost makes sense to me now. Why he did it never had made sense to me before. I never really put too much thought into what all those rumors were doing to him. I'd just dismiss them out of hand without having an actual discussion about them. If I'd known what he was feeling, if we'd just fucking talked to each other, then none of this would have happened.”

Jubilee looked over at him and saw the pain and anguish written across John's face, and she realized that John missed Bobby more than she had ever thought. And she'd thought that John missed him more than anything in the world, so maybe she should adjust that to more than anything in the universe. 

After spending the night watching John drink and talking with him about Bobby, Jubilee got up to go back to her place. John walked her to the door and she gave him a big hug before reaching for her coat. “Listen to me, John Allerdyce.”

“I'm listening.”

“Call Bobby,” Jubilee said softly. “I'm not saying forgive him because that's something only you can decide if you want to do, but I think that maybe talking to him would be a good place to start.”

“I'll think about it,” John murmured, and then Jubilee left.

John tried to go to sleep after that but found that he couldn't, and he was reaching for his phone on the bedside table before he could really think about it. He found Bobby's number and then started composing a text message, asking him if he still lived in their old apartment. He got one back almost immediately that said that he did, and so John asked if he could come over there the next day. It was a few moments before the message back arrived, and Bobby said that he'd be there after noon so John could come over any time after that. John sent another message that said he'd see him then and then put his phone on silent, settling down to try to sleep.

He was going over there for closure. That was it.

But when he got to the apartment the next afternoon, seeing Bobby in person again made that resolve weaken. And when he walked into the apartment and saw all the places where he had amazing memories, took in the changes that made the apartment look empty because his stuff wasn't interspersed in those places anymore, he felt his resolve weaken more.

When John turned around to face him, Bobby had an apologetic look on his face and John felt his resolve weaken even more. “I am so sorry, Johnny,” Bobby said, and the look of pain in his eyes made John's resolve weaken again. “I just...I wanted you to be as hurt as I was. I never wanted you to feel like this.”

“Stop apologizing, please,” John said, and he thought about the speech that he'd rehearsed in his mind on his way over there. He was going to say his piece and then leave. That's what he was going to do.

But he'd missed Bobby so incredibly much and now that Bobby was standing there in front of him, now that he was seeing that Bobby was in just as much pain about their separation as he was, John realized that he couldn't say what he was going to say. He couldn't put an end to this once and for all.

“I still love you,” John breathed out. “And I really, really shouldn't, but I do.”

“I still love you more than anything too,” Bobby said softly. “And I don't deserve you loving me back.”

“Maybe not, but I do,” John said, taking a deep breath. “You don't deserve my forgiveness.”

“I definitely don't,” Bobby agreed. “And I'm not trying to get it. I know that I can't have it. I know that I hurt you too much for that. I just wanted you to know the truth. I thought you deserved that.”

“You don't deserve my forgiveness and yet I want to give it to you,” John murmured. “I want to give it to you so badly.”

“What?" Bobby looked at him in confusion. “Johnny, I don't deserve it. I know I don't.”

“Maybe not, but I still want to give it,” John said, taking another deep breath. “You are going to have to earn it though.”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Bobby started, but John just shook his head. 

“Were you really serious about not making me hide us anymore?”

“Yes,” Bobby said quietly. “I was. And I'm so sorry that I made you hide for so long. I'm sorry that I never gave you the chance to do what you wanted from the start and that was let everyone know that you had me and I had you and this was it. I'm so, so sorry I ruined everything, especially that.”

John paused for a few moments trying to decide if he really wanted to say what was about to come out of his mouth. “If you are serious about that, then have dinner with me. In a good restaurant, in full view of everyone and all of the cameras that they will have, knowing that pictures are being taken of us. Hold my hand on the table and kiss me goodnight before we go our separate ways. A real, proper date like I always wanted us to go on but we couldn't.”

“Johnny, you don't have to do this,” Bobby said, his heart rate rising. 

“I know I don't,” John said seriously. “And I know that we can never get back what we had before. I know that this might all end up a disaster again and I'll be hurt even more than I am now. But if we're not hiding, if we're not lying to each other and everyone else, if we're just honest with each other and everyone else, then maybe we have the chance to end up with something even better than before.”

“Johnny, I don't deserve that. I don't deserve you even being here now.”

“I think that's up to me, not you. And I meant what I said. You have to earn my forgiveness. It will probably be a very long time before I trust you again too. But I love you too much to just let you go, baby. I can't just let go.”

Bobby stared at him for a moment before breaking out into a smile. “Then I'd love to have dinner with you, Johnny.”

“Is this Thursday good for you?” John asked. “I have that day off.”

“Thursday is fine,” Bobby said. “Where should we meet?”

“I think I'll come to pick you up,” John said, smiling softly. “It's not like I don't know where you live.”

“You really don't have to do this,” Bobby said again. “You really don't.”

“I know, but I want to,” John said, walking over to him. “I'll pick you up at seven, okay?”

“Okay,” Bobby said, his breathing quickening when John came right up to him. “I'll be looking forward to it.”

“Me too,” John said, reaching out to caress the side of Bobby's face. “I've missed you so much. I can't even put it into words. But you know what I've missed the most?”

“What?” Bobby breathed out.

“Kissing you,” John murmured. “So I'm going to kiss you now, if that's alright.”

Bobby couldn't believe that this was happening, but he nodded. John curled his hand around the back of Bobby's neck and pulled him into a kiss. He melted when he felt the rush of emotion spread through him, feelings that he thought he'd never get to experience again. No one was ever going to give him this feeling but the man he was currently kissing.

Bobby closed his eyes as the pleasure spread through him, filling him up and making him realize just how empty he'd been inside since they split. He never thought he'd ever get that feeling again, never thought that he'd feel anything but pain again. He knew he didn't deserve this, but maybe John was right. Maybe it was up to John if he did or not.

John broke the kiss and smiled at Bobby, a genuine smile that he hadn't been able to express to anyone ever since he'd found out about Bobby's affair. “I will see you on Thursday night. And maybe we can have another kiss like that then.”

Bobby nodded and smiled back. “I'd really like that.”

“I meant what I said about you earning my forgiveness and getting my trust back.”

“I know you did,” Bobby said. “And I will do anything I need to do to earn that forgiveness and regain that trust.”

“Good,” John said. “I don't know how long it is going to take. It might take a very long time.”

“That's okay. I'm not going anywhere.”

“Thursday night is the beginning then,” John said, stepping away from him. “I need to go, but I am looking forward to dinner.”

“Me too,” Bobby said, and he walked John to the door. “Thank you for coming over.”

“Thank you for explaining things to me. I spent entirely too much time thinking about what I had done to drive you to him,” John said, reaching for the doorknob. “It all makes sense now. And we really need to communicate if we're going to do this again. I don't want another situation like that again.”

“I'll talk to you about anything,” Bobby said as John opened the door. “I promise.”

“I promise I'll do the same,” John said, smiling at him one more time. “I'll see you on Thursday, but I might call you before that. I've missed just talking to you about things.”

“I will look forward to your call then,” Bobby said, “because I've missed just talking to you too.”

“Goodbye,” John said, walking out the door and down the hall before Bobby could say another thing.

Bobby closed the door and leaned up against it for a very long time, trying to process everything that had just happened. When he did, he smiled widely and headed to his stereo, picking out the CD of The Brotherhood's second album, the first one that John had written every song for. He put it on and collapsed onto the sofa, letting John's words wash over him. 

Every song on that album was a love song that had been written about him.

Thursday couldn't come soon enough.

John went home and called Jubilee. After talking about what he'd just done with her, he tossed the phone onto the table and tried to decide how to process everything that he was feeling. He hadn't felt that way since before the European tour, and he decided that the best way to process things involved his guitar.

For the first time since the day he'd had his suspicions about Bobby's affair confirmed, John sat down and wrote a love song.

Thursday couldn't come soon enough.


End file.
